CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown.

Syndication edit. Program opening seems to have been edited in from another episode, which was emceed by Roger Bower and had Ward Wilson on the panel instead of Senator Ford.

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(campaign, rescue, music, caution)

ANNOUNCER: “Can You Top This?”

PETER DONALD: When a man has a birthday, he sometimes takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes a year off.

ANC: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

ANC: Can you, Ward Wilson?

WARD WILSON: I’ll make an effort.

ANC: Can you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: Me too.

ANC: These three wiseacres with the laughter-makers bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” And now for our statistician with ambition who’ll make additions to your acquisitions. That’s Harvard for “he’s rash with cash:” Roger Bower.

ROGER BOWER: Good evening. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.” Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor and storyteller Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more.

ROGER BOWER (postproduction edit): “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: Let’s get on with the laughs. Are you ready, fellers?

JL: Ready.

SENATOR FORD: Yeah, I guess so.

WW: Okay. Dubious tonight, eh? Our first joke this evening comes from Mr. Neg Nonette of Chicago, Illinois, and it’s on the subject of something we’ll be hearing a lot about in the near future, I imagine, politically: campaign. Campaign. So, Peter Donald, you do a little trooping, and we’ll cast our vote for you.

PETER DONALD: Well a friend of mine, Larry Rose, was vacationing in Mexico not long ago and he stopped at one of those big, swanky resorts down there, you know like they have Acapulco and Chepultepec and Mocha Layer Cake and whatever they have down there. This was a very, very swanky, ritzy one. This place was known a Hockaovercoat, this place, and it’s a very swanky hotel. They’ve even got neon peons there. You know this kind. So anyway, he’s standing down in the lounge one evening and he gets talking with a Mexican businessman and he said, “Tell me sir,” he said, “How’s the political situation down there?” So the Mexican says, “Ah, señor,” he says, “I wish you could have talked with my friend Juan. He’s my best friend, Juan.” “Oh,” he said, “this friend of yours, Juan, he’s interested in politics?” “Oh, sí, señor. Juan, he make big campaign. Juan, he run of city council and he make it, then Juan, he run for presidente, and he make it, then Juan, he run for the border, and he no make it.” Guy says, “What do you mean? What happened to your friend, Juan?” He says, “Señor, is very sad happening. You see, the opposition, they shoot Juan with a golf gun.” He said, “A golf gun? I never heard of that. They shot your friend Juan with a golf gun? What on earth is a golf gun?” He says, “Well, señor, all I know is, they make a hole in Juan.”

WW: You had an ace yourself that time, Pete.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Very solidly putting Mr. Nonette in for twenty-five dollars automatically...

JL: Yes, he does  good Mexican.

WW: …and putting our three wits at a very great disadvantage, but we’ll see if they can at least tie it anyway, and Senator Ford had his hand upraised first.

SF: I’ll take the first disadvantage. But that gag is very reminiscent of another one. Up in my hometown, Ocky Bopp was talking to Ditsy Baumwartle, and he said, “Hey, Ditsy. Where was you on your vacation last year?” And Ditsy said, “I spent my vacation in San Josie, California.” So Ocky said, “San Josie?” He said, “You don’t pronounce it that way. It’s San José, because Js are sounded like Hs.” He said, “Oh, well, in that case, I spent me vacation in San José during the months of Hune, and Huly.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Was that anything to do with “campaign?”

SF: Well, let me see now. Well, it was a campaign to teach Ditsy how to speak Spanish. But listen: I have another gag that might fit in there.

WW: Let’s try that.

SF: As a matter of fact, I have three or four that won’t fit either. I could tell this one about Ditsy and Dopey, this time. Dopey Dildock. Dopey is a pretty smart guy in a stupid sort of way, and one day he said to Ditsy, he says, “Hey!” He says, “You know, I’m going into business. I’ve just gone into business. I bought a thousand William McKinley buttons for a penny a piece, and I want to tell you I’m going to make a fortune if William McKinley ever runs for president again.” Campaign buttons, you see.

WW: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, come to think of it, you… Come to think of it you could tell that one.

SF: Of course I could have made it calendars. It might have been better. 1942 calendars.

WW: Well, it was a little dated, I…

RB: Well, looks like only 400 on the laugh meter now, Ward.

WW: Let’s take the 1000.

SF: The first one.

WW: Yeah, I think the 1000 is much better, and let’s see if we can protect this as a perfect round and call on Harry Hershfield second.

HH: Of course there are a lot of campaign stories, but my own favorite is the one about the fellow who went into politics for the first time, little Sam. First time he;s running for alderman, but he finds out he’s got a very tough opponent against him, so it necessitated making a lot of speeches, and this one day he made about sixty speeches, and he’s coming home at three o’clock in the morning in the rain and the sleet after making campaign speeches, discouraged with life. Tough opponent. When a good angel suddenly appeared. Says, “You can have any wish and I can help you.” He says, “I could use the help.” “Any wish,” said, “any wish you want you can have, but with one proviso: anything you wish for yourself,your opponent will get twice as much.” Said, “Let me get this right. Whatever I wish, my opponent will get twice as much?” Says, “Yes.” He said, “For my wish, leave me just like I am. I’m half dead.”

RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Keeping our perfect round intact, and now it’s right in the lap of little Joe Laurie Jr.

JL: Well, little Montgomery Epstein is coming out of the polling place, and he’s walking out. His friend comes over to him. He says, “Voted?” He says, “Yeah.” So they’re walking along. He says. “Who’d you vote for?” He says, “Lincoln? You voted for Lincoln?” He says, “You dope, you. He’s been dead seventy-five years.” He says, “I don’t know anything about it. I heard a man make a speech. He said, ‘If you vote for us, you’ll have two cars in every garage.’ I voted for a Lincoln and a Buick.”

WW: Well, Joe, you should get a new car on the strength of that, and you’ve kept intact our perfect round.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

JL: I need to take an old Buick.

HH: If you get two cars, will you give me one?

JL: I’ll let you run between them.

WW: Well, let’s see. As we look around…

SF: Just a minute, Ward.

WW: Huh?

SF: Chrysler.

JL: Oh, yeah. Well, you got yours already.

WW: Gee whiz, I wish I could mention Packard.

RB: More fun, more jokes coming up in a minute after this word from our sponsor.

WW: …continue our contest of wit and humor now, and here’s a joke which was sent in by H. P. Newman of Chico, California, and the subject of this joke is rescue. Rescue. So, Pete, it’s up to you to pull us out on this one.

PD: Well, I told about the Mexican resort. This is going a little North. You know, Harry Hershfield just came back from a fishing trip up to Canada for a week, and he was up there at a resort way up in Canada. It’s a place called Lake Cantcatchatrout up there and he had a good time, but it seems there was an Englishman, there was an Englishman on vacation up there and he’s sitting on the pier and he’s fishing, and he’s having no luck at all. His worm is going crazy. It’s wriggling and scaring all the fish away. All the other worms hanging nice and straight on the hook. His is making an S of itself all the time, so it keeps…So he’s there all day and he’s just getting ready to give up when all of a sudden a great big muskie comes along and he grabs the worm and the poor Englishman doesn’t get a chance to grab his rod and -- boomp -- pulls him in the water. So he thrashing around. He said, “Help! I say, I can’t swim! I shall submerge! Help! Help! Save me, someone!” So Harry Hershfield, naturally, the outdoor boy, he comes tearing down. He dives in the water, and he pulls this Englishman up to shore. So he says, “Don’t worry now.” He says, “You’ll feel better.” He says, “Let me work on you a little. You didn’t swallow much water. I got to you in time. You’ll be okay in a few minutes.” So, sure enough, in a few minutes the Britisher came around. He did feel a little better, and Harry says, “Gee, that’s too bad, you know. You’re up here for fun. That’s a tough thing to have happen on your vacation.” He said, “I didn’t notice everything that happened.” He said, “Tell me: How was it you came to fall in?” Englishman says, “How did I come to fall in? I say, old boy, I didn’t come to fall in. I came to fish.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: That gives Mr. Newman twenty-five dollars automatically, and for the second time tonight, you guys haven’t a chance in the world, but you can make an effort. I have two hands upraised. Eeny meeny miney moe, and give a listen to little Joe.

JL: Well, I think this is a story that was told by every great monologist in the world for the past seventy-five or a hundred years, I think. I don’t go back… Did they tell it a hundred years ago, Harry? Well, you’ll hear it.

HH: Well, I have to know the story.

JL: But I know it’s a real old story and it’s about rescue. It just fits. It’s about this Scotchman and his boy. The Scotchman is on the beach…

HH: It’s two hundred years old!

JL: And the Scotchman is on the beach and the kid is playing in the water. And suddenly the kid goes out and a fellow dives in, gets him, and he brings him out. After a struggle he brings him out and brings him to his father. His father says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “Why, your boy. Your boy just fell in the ocean and he almost drowned.” Says, “I brought him in.” Says, “You brought him in?” Says, “Yeah.” He says, “Where’s his hat?” It’s a slow take, but it’s…

WW: Well, if it was two hundred years ago, it deserves it, Joe.

RB: The laugh meter registered 800 for that one, Ward.

SF: Well, it got him its age then , didn’t it? 800.

WW: So while you go back to retrieve the hat…

JL: I know a better rescue gag than that.

WW: You do?

JL: Yeah, I think I got another one.

WW: You must know another one.

JL: It’s about swimming too. About the fellow says, “I’ve got to confess to you, Gertie. You know, it’s years now.” He says, “You remember how we met?” He says, “You were hollering ‘Help!’ and everything, and I dove in and saved you? Well, I got to confess to you.” She says, “What?” He says, “You weren’t in no danger, you know.” Says, “The water was only up to your neck.” She says, “I know it, Jim. All the time I was hollering ‘Help!’” she says, “I had one foot on the sand.” So he says, “Where’s the hat?”

WW: Sort of sorry you thought of that one, Joe. But we’ll skip blithely past it, and see what Harry Hershfield has to offer.

HH: Well, I have one on the subject of rescue. I think this is a goofy new sort of a moron story. A girl fell in love with this moron and her hus-- father couldn’t understand why she would want this moron. So he found out that they were eloping to a certain little town. He got his automobile. He had to save her before she could marry this guy. But he came there too late. They were married, and it made the old man so sore that he hauled off and smashed her in the jaw. Knocked her down. She started to holler. With that, the groom to a smash at her too. As she got up and hollered, the father took another smash at her, and the groom smashed her. The father smashed and the groom smashed her, and finally a policeman ran in and said, “What’s going on here?” And the groom says, “He got a nerve. If he can smash my wife, I can smash his daughter.”

RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: And let’s see. Senator Ford hasn’t been heard from in this round.

SF: No, I was just thinking, you know, a pipe cleaner is a hairpin with long underwear. Got nothing to do with the thing at all. I just thinking about it.

JL: Did you bring his hat?

SF: Well, anyway, Sam… I don’t know if this comes under the head of rescue or not. I think so, anyhow. Sam Funbottom was down in his cellar holding his hand over a leaky water pipe, and all of a sudden his wife from upstairs hollered, “Sam, you can let go of the pipe now.” He said, “Is the plumber here?” She said, “No, the house is on fire.”

RB: The laugh meter registers 600 for that joke.

SF: You mean it was better than the hat?

JL: Didn’t bring the hat back.

WW: Better than no hat. And as I gaze around the room and look at the figures I see that none of our three wits have topped Mr. Newman’s original 1000. So the glad tidings are the we send Mr. Newman twenty-five dollars with… Now our next joke comes from Roy DeVaney of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and the subject of this round is something I don’t know whether you’re familiar with or not from just listening to you: music. Music. So I hope you arrive at a happy note, Peter.

PD: Well, it seems that a very famous maestro was leading a large symphony orchestra, and he’s conducting them in Nick Kenny’s fourth. Some of you may know, it’s Opus 62, part 5, lower eighth, car 16. This is better known as the “Chi-Baba Chi-Baba” movement from Chi-Baba of Seville. It’s a thing that’s quite choice. He’s going along and he’s conducting this things and it’s going great, and all of a sudden he hears one violin in the string section. Magnificent. This dulcet tone of the violin comes out above all the others. So he looks over and there’s this violinist playing away beautifully, and he’s got such a sad kisser. He’s all woebegone. Looks awful. So the maestro stopped all the music and he said, “My good man,” he said, “is that you playing so beautifully on the violin?” Well, he says, “Well, who did you think it was? Jascha Hotfoots or somebody?” Well, he says, “What tone! What execution! You’re wonderful.” He says, “Thank you.” Well, he said, “How long have you been playing violin like that?” Oh, he says, “I’ve been playing thirty-three years already.” He says, “I was playing years ago. I knew the overture of 1812 before it was marked down from 1875. Thirty-three years I’ve been playing on this fiddle.” Fellow says, “Well, it’s marvellous. But you look so sad. Aren’t you feeling well today?” He says, “Believe me -- inside I’m the picture from health. Never felt better in my life.” Well, he said, “You have any troubles at home?” He says, “Believe me,” he says, “I got a wonderful family. I got gorgeous kiddies.” He says, “I got money in the bank. I got a house in the country. I got two cars. I coupe and a lousy mini I got.” He says, “Everything is A-number-one, yankee doodle, ipsy-pipsy with me.” “Well then,” he says, “why do you sit there playing your violin and looking so miserable?” He says, “Why do I look miserable? Because, confidentially, I just don’t like music.”

WW: Well, that laugh should be music to Mr. DeVaney’s ears, anyway, Peter. It was…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Sort of like a firecracker tonight. Kind of hot. That’s the third time you’ve zinged up there, giving Mr. DeVaney an automatic twenty-five dollars and once again taxing our three wits to the utmost. All three hands up too. Val…

SF: We know about music. Don’t you hear us sing?

WW: Valiant fellows. Well, I’ll take note of Senator Ford first.

SF: Well, Ditsy and Dopey did alright for me in the first thing. I think I’ll try them again. Ditsy and Dopey were talking about music and talking about opera, and Ditsy said to Dopey, “Do you know anything about opera?” He said, “Sure. I know all about Faust.” “What do you mean you know all about Faust?” He said, “Well, I know Washington played in it.” Says, “What do you mean Washington played in Faust?” He said, “He was Faust in war, Faust in peace, and Faust in the hearts of his countrymen.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

SF: Played “Faust and Slow” too.

HH: That was the German version of “hole in Juan.”

WW: Did he bring his hat? Let’s see now. We have a perfect round going again. Let’s see if anybody’s going to spoil it. Harry Hershfield, I think, was second.

HH: Well, this is a kind of a screwball gag I heard the other day. It’ll fit the subject.

There was a boarding house that had one bathroom, and all had to wait turns to get their bath, and sometimes you had to wait a long time to get your bath, but, you know, it had no lock on the bathroom door, so they had to sing while they were there to keep everybody warned. But it ended up in a fight, and a guy was brought to court for smashing the other guy. The judge says, “What happened?” He says, “Well, I started to go to the bathroom to get a bath, and I heard singing in there. I came back half an hour later. Still singing in there. I don’t mind waiting two hours. I don’t mind waiting three hours. But when a guy goes in there with a portable radio and puts women’s voices on, that’s too much!”

WW: Well, it really isn’t too much, but just enough, Harry.

RB: 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Keeping our perfect round intact and tossing it right over to Joe Laurie Jr.

JL: Well, a little German fellow just come over and he just about knows the language and he gets a job in a music shop. So he’s there a little while. A man comes in. He says, “I beg your pardon,” he says, “have you got a fife?” He says, “Yes, and three kids too.” He says, “You misunderstand it.” He says, “That isn’t it.” He says, “A fife is a long, tin thing.” He says, “Good, that’s my wife.”

WW: Saw it with my own eyes, Joe.

JL: Listen, I just got even. That’s older than the hat gag!

WW: And you’re not kidding!

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Giving us another perfect round, but Mr. DeVaney will be very happy to know that as a result of the valiant efforts of out three wits none were able to top his original 1000.

RB: Another round of jokes will be coming up right after these important words from our fine sponsor.

WW: Back on the beam again, men. Here’s a joke sent in by Paul W. Seebs of New York City, and it’s on the subject of something we all should take cognizance of: caution. Caution. So, Peter, throw it to the air.

PD: Well, it seems that Mike O’Houlihan was starting off to work in the morning, and his wife said, “Now, Michael, I want you to come home early tonight. I don’t want you stopping off at Halligan’s Hibernian Hacienda with all your bum friends down there. You’re always in there with them. You’re always staying out late. Now, I don’t want any of that tonight.” Well, he said, “Maggie,” he said, “after all a man gets through his work, he should have a little relaxation. I may have just a couple of snorts and then one for the road.” She says, “Ah, that’s where the trouble starts. I don’t mind one for the road, but you keep repaving it all the time.” She says, “Now, I… It’s not good enough. I have to sit here all day long and I’m working in the house and then at night I’m all by meself in here making nice things for you with me nuttin’ needles.” He says, “Nuttin’ needles? You mean knitting needles?” She says, “These are nuttin’ needles. I ran out of wool yesterday. Now don’t give me no argument. Now I’m just telling you I want you to come home tonight.” Well, he says, “What’s so special about tonight?” She says, “Because the landlord is going to finally paint the stairs and you’d better be home before he starts.” Well, he agreed to this and he goes off to work and coming back he stops in at the Halliham’s place and he stays a little long and he has one for the road and then he has one for the Burma Road and Fordham Road and the Road to Mandalay and it gets a little late. And finally he comes home and the lights are all out and he opens the door and he smells paint, so he tries the switch and the lights won’t work. “Oh,”he said, “this is awful. Now, what am I going to do? How am I going to get upstairs? Well, what’ll I do? I know what I’ll do!” He says, “I’ll shinny up the banister.” So he grabs his suitcase and he starts to climb up the banister. He’s crawling up and it takes him about an hour to go a couple of inches. He’s crawling up. He gets halfway up and he drops the suitcase. It makes a big thud and his wife hears him. She says, “Michael, is that you down there?” He says, “It is. Why aren’t you asleep?” Well, she says, “I stayed awake to tell you. You can come right up the stairs because the landlord didn’t bring enough paint so all he painted was the banister.”

WW: I think you painted a very happy picture with that one too for the fourth time tonight.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Automatically giving him twenty-five dollars and you fellows are out just for laughs once again, and I think Harry Hershfield had his hand up first.

HH: A very thin guy, like Joe’s fife…

JL: The German’s fife.

HH: One little weak guy came to a physical culture guy. He said, “I’d like to have something to get a little strength. Maybe you could give me some stuff to get some strength. Tell me something.” So the fellow says, “Well, I got a series of exercises for you. Here’s when you bend and when you don’t bend. You do this to this and you twist here and all these exercises, and you can do it right in your house.” He said, “Alright. I’ll try it.” As he got towards the door he says, “And I’ve got to caution you about one thing. You must do all those things in front of an open window.” He says, “Why do you think I came here to get some strength? I can’t lift the window.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: So we’ll give you credit for one grand, and skip blithely over to Senator Ford.  

SF: Well, little Oscar Fotzengoggle was using some, he was using some words that his mother didn’t think was becoming a young boy, and she said, “I don’t want you to use any language like that again.” He said, “Why not? William Shakespeare used it.” She said, “If William Shakespeare used it, don’t play with him anymore.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter. The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: That’s a solid one, however, but it counts just the same, and let’s see. Joe Laurie is yet to be heard from.

JL: Yeah, well, Montgomery learnt to be a pilot, see? And he got enough lessons, so he bought a little two-passenger job and he took his wife up. He said, “The first time I’m up alone with you.” He says, “We’ll take a trip. So they fly around and he’s doing pretty good and finally there’s a storm and everything. He turns to his wife and he says, “Chin-chin,” he says, “have you got that five-carat stone? The diamond ring I bought you last year? You wearing it?” She says, “No. I didn’t take it.” Says, “Have you got that sunburst I got you? The two-thousand-dollar sunburst? Are you wearing that?” She says, “No I’m not. I left it home.” He says, “That Pierre I bought you? That six-thousand-dollar Pierre? You wearing it?” Says, “No, I left it home.” He says, “Oh, are you lucky.” She says, “Why?” He says, “Because we’re going to crash.” So she says, “Where’s the hat?”

WW: That hat seems to still be pursuing you, Joe?

RB: 850 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Can’t get any more out of it. But you were in sort of a futile cause there anyway. None of our three wits were able to top Mr. Seebs’ 1000. Well, a look at the clock shows that time has wasted, gentlemen, so I’d just like to ask the audience to join “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford next week, same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Edward Ford

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie Jr

PD: Peter Donald

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host Roger Bower saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.